Why I hate Sonic Youth (volume 2) by Kelli McMeats

Why I hate Sonic Youth (volume 2)

by Kelli McMeats

How about the fact that everyone wants me to like them?  How many things in life have received your love because someone else was cramming them down your throat?  None, that’s how fucking many.  “Thou dost protest too much.”  I guess that quote could be talking about me or my husband and all my stupid friends.  It’s not talking about me.  You shouldn’t have to convince someone to like “music”.  (That’s in quote marks because the word itself would melt off the page if it thought I was using it to describe Sonic Youth.)  Don’t get me wrong.  I love that my loved ones are constantly bringing it up.  Every time they do, I think of new reasons that the so-called band makes my soul die a little.  Also, just on a side note, Shawn actually says in his countdown that that album is good because it’s melodic.  Isn’t it sad that being melodic is a notable feature of an album?  Choke me with a fucking chainsaw.

Why I hate Sonic Youth 3

 

Why I hate Sonic Youth  (section 3)

       by Kelli McClellan

       Some of you might think putting so much energy into hating one band is weird, but let me explain.  Everyone I know (as I’ve said before) loves Sonic Youth, so the energy I put forth is actually out of self defense.  Think about it.  Hasn’t there ever been a band that everyone, not just friends, but the radio and magazines think is awesome and you just can’t understand why?  Everyone has their own Sonic Youth and what’s funny is, in my circle, that’s actually what it’s called.  My friends actually agree that the group that makes your skin crawl is called “your own Sonic Youth.”  They admit that they understand my view point.  Of course, I think that’s because secretly, their Sonic Youth is Sonic Youth. 

       Want to know how to find yours?  It has to be a band that is widely and popularly thought of as fantastic.  For example, you can’t say Billy Ray Cyrus is your Sonic Youth, because no one likes him.  You could say Green Day is your Sonic Youth, but you can’t make any exceptions like, “Only after they sold out…” or shit like that.  It has to be always, of all times, the band that makes you want to commit mass murder.  You are allowed to say you can accept a few (no more than 4) of their songs as maybe just okay, but never can you say any of their songs are actually good.  I only like the Sonic Youth song on the Juno soundtrack cuz it’s not a Sonic Youth song, it’s a cover, so it’s different.  Shawn’s Sonic Youth is Phish.  I say that almost doesn’t work because I only know one person that does like them and Theresa doesn’t usually count.  He says it works because they are fairly popular in the media, so I guess it’s okay.  Steve’s is The Clash which is perfect because everyone loves them even though their music is pretty…well… I’m only allowed one Sonic Youth, so never mind.  Send me or tell me your Sonic Youth and I’ll list them all next issue.  It might be hard to decide, but once it comes to you, you’ll finally be able to feel my pain.

Why I hate Sonic Youth (part one)

A short rant by Kelli (Shawn’s wife)

 

            Call me old fashioned, but I think music should have some sort of melodic assembly.  Sonic Youth is constantly trying to stretch the line of “artistic.”  That might sound like a good thing, but let me assure you it sounds like anything but.  Music is simply and beautifully designed and formulated to be even pleasant to your ears.  This isn’t supposed to be something that you have to think about or strain to “get used to.”  It is supposed to immediately give you warm and fuzzies. 

Kim Gordon is not a talent but an overrated, b-class poet who doesn’t even try to pass off her vocals for singing.  Noise that makes you cringe and squint is not even bad music; it’s just noise.  Anyone who claims to enjoy Sonic Youth is merely a psuedo-intellectual asshole who wants to be accepted with the rest of his poser posse.   Most of the Sonic Youth fans don’t even say they enjoy it, they just say it’s “genius.”  To me, that comment (when referring to music) means “I don’t like it either, but so many bands are influenced by it, there must be something good about it.”  Bands were only influenced by this so-called band because they wanted to strive to take it off the air and replace it with something that doesn’t make your brain bleed.

Why I Hate Sonic Youth Part 4 by Kelli McClellan

 

Why I hate Sonic Youth

Appendix 4

By Kelli McClellan

 

I told Shawn I wanted to do the Top Eleven Reasons I hate Sonic Youth in honor of Modus #11. He asked me if I could think of that many. Steve asked if I could narrow it down to that few. Steve’s quandary is much more challenging, of course. Here they are:

 

#11. Their freaking name.

Sonic- adj. Def. 1- of sound or sound waves; Def. 2- of the speed of sound in air

Youth- n. Def. 1- time when people are young; Def. 2- the state of being young

So their name means “young sound.” While I will give them the fact that it is sound (terrible, stupid, unbearable sound), but sound nonetheless, I will argue to my death that it was ever “young.” Way before these bastards, annoying noise was old news. They didn’t invent making amazingly intolerable and excruciating sounds, they just helped morons accept that it was okay to do so and call it “music.” Thanks again. Plus, I didn’t even mention the fact that the combined age of the four of them is 202. One member under 50 (Steve Shelley’s 45) in a group called Sonic Youth. I bet some of you think that’s brilliant. Fuck off.

 

#10. They are and have always been unnecessary.

The group formed in 1977. That year the Ramones, The Damned, Iggy Pop, Elvis Costello, and Motorhead all had amazing albums. I can see why this year would make a person want to form a band, but they should’ve accepted that they suck at their first “jam session” and just enjoyed the real music that was happening all around them. Instead, they single handedly tried to ruin it.

#9. They make my friends suck.

My friends love to play this game where they put Sonic Youth on the stereo without telling me and then wait to see if I’ll go, “Hey, whose this? They’re pretty good.” I don’t.

 

#8. They waste my time.

Because of these idiots, I have to constantly explain myself. I could be talking about the bands I love, but instead I’m stuck making sure the world is aware of this pretend band’s lies and deceits.

 

#7. I don’t like being in pain.

The only time what you listen to should cause you pain is when it evokes a memory or emotion. I’m pretty sure wanting to rip your own ears off is not an emotion.

 

#6. My husband’s album collection takes up a whole wall of my house.

I would have some more room if 52 of them would go to hell.

 

#5. They think their noise makes them intelligent.

Nothing is worse than stupid people trying to be clever. It’s sad to watch and even sadder to listen to. Once again, JUST BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE AN ARTIST.

#4. I was taught to stay away from evil.

I’m pretty sure Sonic Youth’s “songs” have hidden messages that tell you to worship Satan.

#3. Free Kitten is okay.

Kim Gordon is in a band called Free Kitten and they don’t hurt me. Lots of people think that’s weird (especially given reason #2), but I have actually met other people who hate Sonic Youth, yet like Free Kitten. The fact that the members of Sonic Youth are capable of making real, actual music and don’t is what makes this Reason #3.

 

#2. Kim Gordon

I’ve never hated anyone I’ve never met so much. I used to hate the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional more because his face and head make me want to shoot myself not to mention his music eats my ass, but he got bumped down when I realized that at least you don’t have to wonder whether he’s singing or doing an interview. Her writing sucks, her face sucks, her attitude sucks, and her “singing” sucks. The only time Sonic Youth almost sounds like music is when she shuts the fuck up. Sonic Youth would not be my Sonic Youth without her. She is shit. Not the shit. Just shit.

 

#1. Because I just do.

You know how at the end of The Terminator, it kinda makes your head hurt trying to figure out how John Connor’s dad came back from the future to make sure John’s in the future, but he can’t be in the future if the future when his dad was born didn’t exist first? Sonic Youth makes me feel like I’m trapped in a world where no one questions things like that. They just accept what they hear as music. It works for an action movie, not for real life.