Mystery Tape by Theresa

—————MYSTERY TAPE———-=======

by Theresa

 

Well…I called Shawn, he said, “I’m making you a mystery tape.”  and I said, “I don’t have a tape player so I’ll come over and listen to it.”  Then, as Kelli so cleverly pointed out,  all Shawn had to do was have me come over and listen to the songs.  No tape needed.  We did the review in our pajamas, no deodorant.

 

 

    Dirty Sanchez–“Get It Wet”

It makes me wanna listen to Meat Beat Manifesto, Front 242…. what the fuck is this!? Alright.  I thought I was really gonna like it, but it’s really homosexual.  I love homosexuals! But I wouldn’t wanna take a shit while listening to this.  I don’t like songs about fucking.  I could definitely see myself with a glow stick in my mouth, taking some XTC…but not by choice.  Suck It!  Suck It!

 

    Peaches–“Two Guys (For Every Girl)”

This has a very eighties feel.  I like the handclapping.  Is this Peaches?  I like Peaches.  This could be the theme song to Baby Bare*.  Makes me wanna play a video game. This song also makes me wanna do the helicopter.  You’re kinda like hitting someone back and forth, side to side in the face with your penis.

 

    Moistboyz—“Everybody’s Fucked Her”

…Umm…Uhhhh…It’s not capturing me.  Should I be captured?  Should I be moved?  I’m Unfazed.  I can’t listen to this in my car.  Or even at my house. Ohhh…that song’s about a slut, huh?

 

Faye Richmond–“Tony’s Got Hot Nuts”

This is the only song on the tape that I really like.  Not to hurt any feelings.  See, this song is the perfect amount of simple…it’s not too gratuitous.  There is no gratuitousness whatsoever, and that’s what I like. Music these days is waaay too sexual, and I totally believe individuals should not take something so intimate & make it very public. This is from a John Waters film, right?  I’d rather listen to this.

 

    Pansy Division—“Smells Like Queer Spirit”

Yeah…sweet!  This better be just a cover and not a fucked up version!!!  Pansy Division!!!! Goddammitt!!!  Dude. Why they gotta be so gay?  I mean, I love gay people, but why…why you gotta sing about being gay!?  I mean, yeah, you’re gay!  I don’t sing about being straight…do I? I can still bang my head up and down as I sit here and read this Spin Magazine.  Those guys are sooo not even in denial.

 

*Baby Bare  is Theresa’s proposed porno mag featuring “small hairy men that look young.”  Very burly…y’know.  I Like the idea of a magazine having a theme song–Shawn

Mystery Date by Michael Callahan

Mystery Date

A tape w/ 5 songs was given to me by a narcoleptic homosexual bipolar psychotic (you readers of Modus who know Steven Purkey know what I’m sayin’), a McMeat who’s “Shitty Reviews” have made me sadly and painfully aware of the fact that he has absolutely NO TASTE in music whatsoever. (But he’s real nice.)  And his wonderful and very sweet wife Kelli who I couldn’t agree with more Re: Sonic Youth, to review and comment on.

–Michael Callahan

P.S.  Steve’s not really gay???

Track One: The Flaming Lips “Jesus Shooting Heroin”

I’ve heard this before?  A thousand stars!!!  I fucking love it!  I’d buy it if I knew who the fuck it was.  I’d love to have the vocalist’s babies.  Opens all dreamy like, then BAM!!!  Jesus takes a big goddamn bite right outta yer head.  Then the rush, right back to dreamy land…If you have any taste at all in music get some o’ this!

Track Two: Regina Spektor “That Time”

This is fuckin’ cool.  I need more more more!  The lyrics are well placed all through the song and her smoky bourbon voice is sweet on the nerves.  Especially the OD on heroin lines.

Track Three: Thunderslut “Get My Thrill”

Suck Ass Fuck No Shut Up Eat Dead Things!  Sounds like every other shit bag garage band I’ve ever heard.  The lyrics can’t even be called “weak.”  It’s causing me much physical pain.  Stop it.

Track Four: The Polyphonic Spree “Lithium”

These guys are fucking great.  One of the best covers I’ve ever heard.  I’d love to find more!  Tell me they do other covers.  Way unique…wow.

Track Five: Julee Cruise “I Float Alone”

This is definitely my kind of music.  The vocalist’s ethereal quality and range are very sedating while parts of the music are mildly discordant at the right moments.  Very nice!

Mystery Date (from issue 10)

Mystery Date

Alright, so here’s the deal:  I sent Shawn a tape with five songs and didn’t bother to tell him what they were.  Here’s his unedited response.

Track One: Dio “Holy Diver”

Yeah, I know this one. “Holy Diver!” Steve is 30 and wants to form a Dio cover band. Y’know, Vivian Campbell, currently residing in Def Leppard for the last 15 years, was also in his band, so who gets to be him, Steve? Maybe I should learn how to play guitar.

Track Two Moe Tucker “Lazy”

I don’t know about this one. It sounds like it could be Geddy Lee or Robert Plant singing, but it’s got a weird slide guitar. It’s low-fi but pleasant.

Track Three Wolf Parade “This Hearts On Fire”

Sounds like neo-wave, or post-post-punk, aka the 80′s retro thing that’s been dominating the world for the last few years. I’m pretty sure it’s The Strokes, but I really only listened to their first album.

Track Four Red Krayola “Ravi Shankar- Parachutist”

Probably some 60′s psychedelia like Love or Red Crayola. Am I right? It sounds pretty cool, definitely from a different time.

Track Five Silverhawk “Drive My Ass Around Town”

Some groovy soul. Kinda sounds like Beck, or the Densmore brothers, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Mystery Date #12 by Kelli McMeats

I was a little confused the first time I read “Mystery Date,” so for those of you who aren’t music snobs, I just wanted to say bluntly what the hell is going on here. One of us sends another one of us a tape with 5 songs on it and without knowing what it is, we review each song. The titles of the tracks are added by the person who sent the tape out after the reviews are completed. This date’s from Steve to me. The next one will be from me to Steve. Just so we’re clear…

Track 1: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club “All You Do Is Talk”

I was worried that Steve would pick really terrible, Sonic Youth-esque, non-melodic shit, but this is alright. I hope I don’t regret saying that. Is it Love and Rockets or My Bloody Valentine or BRMC? Those are probably really bad guesses…but I do really like it, whatever it is. It’s very balanced 80′s cheese with just the right amount of Pulp and Richard Marx thrown in.

Track 2:  Point Blank Rangers “Looking Down The Barrell”

Is this 3 Times Dope? It’s fairly lo fi rap with a bass line and some not-so-good scratching. If I was at a concert and this is what they were playing, I wouldn’t leave. It’s pretty interesting. I don’t know if I could handle more than a couple tracks of this, but it’s not a complete waste of time. They just said they’re the Point Blank Rangers. Not bad.

Track 3:  Silverhawk “Drinkin’ Makes Me Feel Better”

Oh! It’s Laura Berry, I mean Densmore! I really didn’t care for what Sam did to “Rock n’ Roll Heart.” I thought it was way better when it sounded like early Johnny Cash and not late Slow Children. BUT…I do LOVE what they did to this song (“Drinkin’ Makes Me Feel Better”). Laura’s vocals almost made me cry the first time I heard them. I just felt crazy proud that I know her and that I know who wrote these fan-fuckin-tastic lyrics. Seriously, one of the most well written, most well executed, simplest, bar songs ever. Why aren’t they famous yet?

Track 4: William S. Burroughs “Dr. Benway Is Operating In An Auditorium”

Someone reciting poetry…he kinda sounds like the narrator of Dukes of Hazzard mixed with Wisher. From what I can tell, he’s talking about bull fighting or teeth pulling or open heart surgery, maybe? Hard to focus on- this one’s a miss.

Track 5:  Sonic Youth, any song

This one sounds like a trap…yeah I’m pretty sure it is. It sucks and FUCK OFF.