Man Who Likes To Eat Spoiled Food #12

Dear man who likes to eat spoiled food…

Why would I make ramen noodles when there are these perfectly good pizza crusts in the garbage right here? Richard in Missoula

Man: Correct A+ finally….

Dear man,

Yesterday on my way to work I hit a deer with my car. I felt bad, but I was in a hurry and didn’t take it along. I thought it might look weird in the parking garage, smell funny etc. I know it is probably ruined by now, but what can I do?

Man replies: Roadkill. Golly. There is just too much to say on this subject for a periodical journal. Next year you should be able to buy my book, ” Fur and Blood Everywhere” a cornucopia of furred, scaled and horned delights on route 90. Until then, you may take these few words of experience to heart. 1. How fresh is fresh? When Birds or coyotes are still into it, you can bet there is something to be salvaged. If that sounds a little too brazen for you, Try taking just prime cuts from the top of the kill, be sure to take any meat along the spine first, then any unbruised quarters. 2. How hot is too hot? This type of salvage operation is done most frequently in colder climates. For instance, Sean in Portland writes to inform me that for the first fifteen years of his life, the only meat he ate was taken off the Al-Can highway, flash frozen and easily stored for months before processing. If you do not have any easy snow bank access try to take smaller items, possum, snake, armadillo, rabbit(jack or bunny), and even birds can be cheaply had along most highways. Some roadkill will even cure before rot really takes hold if the climate is hot and dry enough.

Dear Man,

Can I take sushi camping?

The Man Replies: Sure, why wouldn’t you? But keep in mind the story of Harold Deale, hospitalized in Escanaba after a drunken, bait eating, wager. Spoiled fish is somewhat difficult to eat. On your first attempt try it on the second or third day from home. Fish gets kind of “expert level” by day five. Be aware that an untrained stomach could experience considerable distress the first few times. Just remember; food borne illness is not that big a deal, but, it is not an old wives tale like the “Ghost carriage of Donegal” or the “CIA”. Gently now, Man

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About The Man

These are dark times. The man who (whom?) likes to eat spoiled food, is here to guide you through, fine foraged foods in this post/during/perhaps just barely pre-apocalyptic era. Try to keep you chin up, and your greasy cracker-spawn, fugly, little children fed. There is a wealth of information here on diverse gathering techniques from dumpster diving, to roadkill salvage; all for the layman to absorb traditionally, or barring that, have it read to him. Yours co-conspiratorially, Man

The Man’s Slippery Business

Dear Man, I just cooked a pork shoulder for a dinner. It was  pretty good. The thing came out of the oven with like an inch of liquid fat around it. It looks like oil and the olive oil here in my kitchen cost me fifteen bucks, can I save this stuff  and cook with it like oil?   Valerie in Frederick MD

Val, I do love me some pork butt and taters, as they say.  The fatty butt end of the leg just refers to the thick part of the shoulder, not the delicious assmeat of a pig. You can indeed save this rendered oil out of the roasting drippings, but you will find as it cools it will probably coagulate into more of a buttery texture. All of our grandmothers used to keep fat in a coffee can under the sink in the kitchen. Some of your bumpkin trash cousins pobably still do. Bacon grease is kept easily, It is very salty  and the grease(properly stored) can last in the can for decades. I know of one such can that has been under a sink in Montana for at least 26 years, the grease level in the can only ever varying by three to four inches. By my deduction, the bacon grease at the bottom of the can is from a pig born in 1981. But you are saving a slightly more volitile sort of fat, in your recipe did you use spices and milk? The little pockets of milk solids and spice(oregano?) found in many pork shoulder roasting pans can cause your fat to get a little sour in a month or two. DO NOT DISPAIR however, most of the particulate matter in the pan is sunk beneath the oil, and with a handy gravy seperator and a sieve you can clarify this oil just like butter. It is easier than it sounds. I myself am saving a bowl full of Guatemalan chorizo fat that I have been cooking with for months now. It is a little discolored but basically sound. Get the water out and you will be fine.  Regards, Man

Dear Man, I was recently using squid as fishbait and decided to eat some raw. Is this calamari or is it sushi? And is it safe? (recived from steve via the facethingy) Well Steve, It really isn’t sushi or calamari yet. Both of these require a small amount of preperation. At a stretch it may be sashimi, but really we are just splitting hairs, the point is that it’s great. If you could choke it down it was fine. Remember about the ink and the spiny thing though, eating squid is not like eating lizards, you have to take a couple of things off/out first. I must also in good conscience ask if you have been drinking. After Harold Deale’s hospitalization in Escanaba(also eating bait) I have to say that it is possible to hurt yourself eating rotten fish(who knew?). AND FURTHERMORE, some bait has been packaged in some bad potion preservative stuff that will make your cloatic blowhole quiver and leak. Read the package. The picture you sent does not appear to be of a pre-packeged squid though, it looks like it came out of that bucket behind you, Feast on in prosperity, Man

Submitted on 2008/12/05 at 6:54am

Dear Man,

Promptly after eating thanksgiving dinner, my mother-in=law went to work on the carcass, put it in a stock pot, and cooked it overnight (then left). We forgot to refrigerate it the following day, so I thought it was already ruined and have left it on the stovetop for the last week (65 degrees ambient air temperature). Tonight, I went to throw it out, but I noticed about a 1/4 inch layer of fat on top and no off smells. I boiled it again, thinking it could kill anything that may have started living in it. I don’t quite have the courage to eat a bowl of this week old turkey soup. Do you think I’ll get bloody diarrhea or something if I eat it? Should I dump it into the toilet? Devon Pattillo

Temperature of 65 eh? Nothing to worry about. If it had been raw perhaps you would be growing something, but I think the stock/consomme under the fat is basically inert and sterile.  I think you are in the clear. The layer of fat/ congealed connective tissue stuff does indeed act like a protective covering. And then you even re-boiled. That soup is fine. MWLTESF

February 13, 2009 at 9:42 pm edit

Temperature of 65 eh? Nothing to worry about. If it had been raw perhaps you would be growing something, but I think the stock/consomme under the fat is basically inert and sterile. I think you are in the clear. The layer of fat/ congealed connective tissue stuff does indeed act like a protective covering. And then you even re-boiled. That soup is fine. MWLTESF

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Man for the holidays

Dear man who likes to eat spoiled food, How long after thanksgiving can you still eat the turkey leftovers?

-Joe in Maryland-

Hello again Joe! Nice to hear from you after that weird shark thing, sorry, I guess I was wrong on that one. Turkey eh? Well the good news is turkey never ever ever goes bad. Except in secondary source turkey leftover foods. Not like second harvest foods(where you dig undigested seeds out of your feces for dinner), but second incarnation holiday leftover turkey remakes. “Son of Beyond the Valley of Return of the turkey casserole” stuff. If you are skittish, play it safe. The prime example of safe-ish month(ish) old turkey food is the “oh soooo dry turkey sandwich” that I eat until mid march. I like to get all the meat off of the carcass and slice it to about a quarter inch, then I leave it uncovered in the fridge until I have eaten it all. On occasion the turkey has become so dry that it becomes difficult to chew and impossible to swallow. At this stage you can use a food processor or a hatchet to make the pieces smaller, then soak them in mayo mixed with a little milk, some sweet pickle relish, and chili paste to cover the taste of fridge that it usually has by this stage. But the sandwich is pretty pedestrian. If you really want to live a little, the turkey becomes a stir fry while it is still moist and fresh on the bone, then the week after that it becomes little pot pies with too much cream and extra thick wheat berry crust, then ultimately it ends in week four or five as a strange almost fishy tasting soup. Good to have a couple of parsnips and an onion at this stage, although this means extra volume and some people are hesitant to have a gallon of soup around that they started making over a month ago. Please write me back after your holiday cooking and good luck, Man WLTESF

Dear Man Who likes to eat spoiled food, We just had our first frost and the apples are coming down. We made several gallons of cider and I don’t know how to store it. Help.- Marcus in MT-

Hey marcus, leave it in the garage but do not let it freeze, It should be fine to drink with no care at all for about a month at 35-45 degrees, depending on natural yeasts present at bottling, jugging or whatever. Its best when it is just starting to effervesce in the bottle, If it reaches full fermentation with rapid bubbling you are going to have to find an airlock or learn to drink vinegar(see my article “cellular permiability and you”)The slower cider ferments the better it tastes. Also remember shifting containers should be avoided as contamination is easy at any point before the alcohol level reaches 4%. And its possible for it to go bad until it stops bubbling altogether. If you screw it up late in the process sometimes you can get a decent result with the still… you figure it out. It’s fun, See you later, Man WLTESF

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Man Who Likes To Eat Spoiled Food from issue 8

ASK A MAN WHO LIKES TO EAT SPOILED FOOD

(Letter from Katelyn)

Dear man who likes to eat spoiled food,

My dorm room partner claims that if you order thin crust pizza, it will dry out faster than it will go bad; making it into pizza “jerky,” and can therefore never spoil. Is this true?

–Katelyn in Glasgow

Katelyn,

This is absolutely true. All of the elemental components of pizza are traditional “storage” foods. The crust can easily be likened to a ships biscuit. Napoleonic war era naval voyages could last years. A modern thin crust delivery pizza will easily last your whole circumnavigation, with its “aged cheese” and “sun dried tomatoes.” A modern counter top pemmican.

Yours,

Man

Longevity tip of the day: Remove any high moisture content vegetables before storing pizza box under couch or on top of refrigerator.

(Letter from Alex Mandarino)

Dear man who loves to eat spoiled food,

At the end of the meat counter in my grocery store at home, there is a bin with various cuts of meat that are marked, “Reduced for quick sale,” or “Over Stock.” Some of this meat is obviously changing in color and texture. Which of these cuts should I pick? I would love to know because I am on a budget and can certainly not afford $8.79 lb for a fresh rib steak.

Alex Mandarino

Puyallup, WA.

Alex,

When choosing a cut of spoiled meat for consumption, remember, within a strict “spoiled food” training regimen; spoiled meat cannot harm you. Your sense of smell is certainly your worst enemy in this sort of endeavor. Choose a package with less visible pooling blood. Loose blood spoils first and smells worst. Preparation is key, the cheaper the meat, the spicier its covering sauce should be. Maggots within your meat are complimented by a rice dish. Little Thai dragons or a habanera or two can cover most rotting taste. If your rotting taste is very rich, cumin or cinnamon can confuse even the most discerning taste buds.

Careful now,

Man

***** DISCLAIMER *****

“Man who loves to eat spoiled food will at no way be held responsible for any gastro intestinal difficulties, that may occur in following this, or any other advice pertaining to the consumption of questionable food or near food, products.” Before any personal research in this area, it is advisable to consult your personal physician, local grocer, or the National Poison Control Center; who incidentally can be reached at: 1.800.222.1222

MAN………..

Nathan R. Herbaly

Man Who Likes To Eat Spoiled Food #11

Dear Man who likes to eat spoiled food:

Does the mold on my sharp cheddar cheese block (USA Wisconsin), carefully cultured in my fridge, make it more valuable? Is it a better cheese now? I’ve noticed that the moldy cheeses at the deli are much more expensive. Should I let more food mold?

- Steve in Portland.

Steve,

Short answer: Yes. Long answer: but it can be complicated re-marketing this fromage bleu. Cheddar naturally grows two or three colors of mostly non-threatening mold that can offset the brilliant natural orange of a sharp cheddar. I have noticed it is easiest to encourage these noble cultures in a higher-moisture mild cheddar; but in some cases a sharp cheddar, or even smoked cheddar, can be more gratifying. The benefits of this sort of cheese are easy to enjoy in your own kitchen, but it is sometimes difficult to convince others. Value-added product of this sort has limited cold-case appeal. Do not let doubters take away from the utility and beauty of this asset. It has taken cheese manufacturers across the world centuries to develop this niche market.

But, yours could be the next gorgonzola.

Here’s an applicable recipe from the man who likes to eat spoiled food cookbook.

Dry and Blue-green Cheddar Yak Burger

2½ lbs. ground Yak sirloin*

½ lb. bacon – chopped fine and cooked

¼ lb. red onion – finely minced

¼ lb. blue and green dry-ish cheddar rind and edges—shredded

4 Tbs. soy sauce (wheat-free tamari)

2 Tbs. Worcestershire

Temper ground Yak for 5 hours on countertop. Knead in all other ingredients in large mixing bowl. Press into very thin patties and sear briefly on both sides – flat-top range preferred over bbq. Over-cooking can contribute to loss of cheese oils and flavors. Serve on onion Kaiser rolls or rye bread with too much mayonnaise and a little mustard, ketchup as desired.

* Substitute beef if you must.

Dear Man who likes to eat spoiled food:

My Irish granny’s recipe for drop scones calls for sour milk. Can I substitute something else that doesn’t look so chunky or smell so nasty?

- Ashley in Seattle.

Ashley,

You spoiled sissy. A little chunky milk never hurt anyone. Baked goods are a prime repository for milk you are shy of serving with your tea. I would hesitate to substitute, but if you can’t buy spoiled milk, or can’t figure out how to make it, you can use buttermilk mixed with sour cream at a 3:1 ratio.

Dear Man who likes to eat spoiled food:

Last night I came home from the bar at 3am and consumed most of a bag of jerky I found on the top of my fridge. It’s 7 months out of date, and might have been left open for most of the year. I didn’t look closely last night, but this morning I noticed a lot of spidery white mold in the rest of the bag. I’m really scared, Nathan… Am I gonna die?

- Marcus in Missoula.

Not to fear, Marcus…

The flesh-eating bacteria in the jerky is probably eating sugars on the surface of the meat product. To develop a really strong necrotizing fasciitis, or ebola, etc., you would require a more humid environment than just the jerky bag. Mycobacterium ulcerans, TB and leprosy are mostly relegated to Southeast Asia and wetter parts of Africa. If you manage to contract any of this sort of thing from USDA-approved jerky, more power to you. Whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. If you start seeing more than average blood flow in your stool and vomit, you can take Doc Richie Rowe’s anti-viral cure-all: half a bottle of tequila served with one whole bottle of Tabasco sauce. Consume over about 4 hours. Repeat if necessary. Be sure to eat yogurt to replenish stomach cultures, acidophilus, etc.

Yours ever faithfully,

Man.

Please send your queries to: culinaryoasis@lycos.com.

DISCLAIMER HERE.

Addendum: Doc Richie Rowe is in no way associated with the AMA or any reputable medical body.